So.. this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
Wait...90's flashback!! Sorry!! But seriously, who didn't love the
90's?!?!?!
Hi friends! I was blown away & overwhelmed by the huge amount of
support & questions of my success story on the MFP forum!! While I'm not
done with my journey (thus making it unreal to see myself as a success story) I
am close to my goal. This is a life long journey so I will never be officially
done...that used to be so hard to say... Everyone dreams of crossing that finish
line. The truth is there is no finish line in this life & this journey....
But I digress, back to my life!
When I look back on my life I can never remember a time where I was skinny.
I am the middle child of 3 sisters. Life was not typical for me. For most of my
life my mom was either in an abusive marriage to my adoptive father or was a
single mother. My biological father basically told me at the age of 13 (the
first time I had met him) that he did not want me. My adoptive father (I found
out when I was 10 he adopted me when I was 3.. had no idea we weren't
blood) showed his love in a way that made it not worth having. He actually
disowned me later in life because I stood up against him & his abuse
& neglect of my grandmother. Throughout my childhood I suffered from
physical, mental & sexual abuse.... that is so hard to type. I deleted that
sentence twice before I left it. It's hard to say, it sucks to say but its truth
& part of who I was so I will leave it. I remember suffering from
depression as a child, suicidal thoughts....I know what the technical term is for
it now. I did not then. I just remember being bullied and ridiculed for my tears
& insecurities. Which of course only brought me lower. I felt of no worth.
Home life wasn't good, school life wasn't good... no safe place. My mom, who had
divorced my adoptive father, kinda went wild. Clubs, drinking, etc.... I won't
go into to much detail because that is her story to tell & not mine. I felt
abandoned by her. I wasn't bitter towards her, and now I can even understand
her. I just remember craving my momma! She was running from the Lord &
running from her children although she didn't realize doing the former was
causing the latter.(Let me add to this story that I "grew up" in church. My
great grandmother was a pastor, my uncle is a pastor. I always knew about God,
but never really had a relationship with Him.) When I was 13 years old I had my
first real experience with God. I was seeking love & I found it. I asked Him
into my heart & was filled with His Holy Spirit! And that was where my
childhood began to change. My mother, who had an experience that brought her to
practically witnessing the death of a child in a house fire, had an awakening.
She realized what she was doing to her kids. And when she saw what I was
experiencing with God (she now says) she didn't want to get left behind. She
came running back to God!! When looking back I say this is when I got my momma
back. And, just like God does, it was right on time. I can say now she is one of
my best friends. She is also a preacher & is currently on her way to
Venezuela for a 3 week mission trip to preach Gods word!!!
For a while things were good. I still dealt with childhood issues that never
really got resolved, just buried. I'll fast forward a few years. I was always
chubby, never slim. Had one guy tell me he would date me if my hips weren't so
big. Had a well meaning adult tell me if I would just lose some weight I
would be so beautiful. I had "boyfriends" in my life but had my first serious
boyfriend when I was 15. We were both Christians but we were not deep enough in
the word that we could stand strong. Together we fell & gave into peer
pressure which included premarital sex & typical teenage rebellion. I had
always said I would not be with anyone until I was married so giving into this
was heart breaking for me. After almost a year of dating he broke up with me,
which only added to my internal self worth issues.
Shortly after our break up I rebounded with a guy that I should have probably
ran from...ok no probably about it.. I should have ran!!! Lol!!! I went to the
dark side with this relationship! Total rebellion from God. After 1 1/2 years
together I turned 18, moved into my own apartment & got pregnant... all on
the same day! What can I say.. I multi task.... haha! 6 weeks later me & Mr.
wrong got married, trying to do "the right thing"... then he did the wrong thing
& cheated on me...with my friend. I was devastated, broken & all the old
feelings of having no worth came back. I begged him to stop, begged him not to
leave me, did things I swore I would never do to try & keep him. It's
amazing what the devil can get you to do for someone who was totally not worth
it. I was convinced it was all my fault. It's cause I was fat. I had gained SO
much weight with my pregnancy. At the time I was at my heaviest of 200+ lbs.
Wearing a size 18-20. Fresh, ugly stretch marks. I did everything thing wrong
& nothing was ever good enough. He still left. I thank God now. I was 19,
had a 5 month old baby & alone. And like most people do when they hit rock
bottom I turned to God. Life was still hard & I was still hurting but I knew
God would take care of me. I believed God would restore my marriage. I am so
thankful He didn't
After a little over a month of my husband leaving me I met Eric. Because of
my depression (& wanting to vomit every time I thought of my husband &
his mistress together) I had lost 50lbs in a month... yes 1 month. Not healthy
at all... I hardly ate. But I was looking good physically, the smallest I ever
remember being. Eric had just come out of a long term relationship, me just out
of a marriage... & we rebounded with each other. I thought he was the answer
to my prayers. Didn't take long before I thought life was going pretty good so I
didn't need to really go all in with God...I filed for divorce to my current
husband, it was final on Nov 2 2001, we got engaged Nov 3 2001 & we were
married Dec 1 2001... 4 1/2 months after meeting. In love.. I'm not sure at that
point.. definitely in lust. The first 5 years of our marriage was horrible... He
had a huge temper & I had major baggage issues. I mean honestly we didn't
REALLY know each other when we got married. There were periods of happiness, but
longer periods of bad. I put on weight like crazy. Burying my hurt & anger
with food. Divorce was a word that I had thrown around liberally, but never went
through with it. We split several times but only for a day or 2. I stayed
because of pride & for my daughter. Her father was a deadbeat & wasn't
in the picture. My husband was her daddy & all she had known. I didn't want
to have a second divorce under my belt. Also I felt like who would want me. I'm
was a fat, would be divorced twice woman with a kid. I tried diets, would lose a
few but it never stuck. When it got really bad I would run to God, but that too
never stuck. Finally at 5 1/2 years I just couldn't handle it any more... I was
bruised & bleeding more than I could handle. I was raw. I was broken. I was
done. I'd rather be alone than be in the painful cycle our marriage had become.
I told my husband I wanted a divorce & he agreed. Neither of us were happy.
We loved each other but just couldn't make this marriage work, I had the paper
work drawn up, My grandmother had got a house for my daughter & I to live
in, my mom had helped us get furniture. I was just waiting for the house to
close out so we could move. My husband had a wake up call. He realized I was
serious. And he didn't want to lose me or my/our daughter. He came to me one
night, buried his head in my lap, cried & begged me to stay. Begged me for
one more chance. Swore things would change. It was hard, but I agreed to stay.
And even though we weren't living for God I can see His hand in that situation.
Things actually changed. Our marriage turned into one that I cherish! We became
a team, worked together and not against each other. Life wasn't perfect but it
was good. I still had issues that resurfaced from time to time... I buried them
with food. 6 months after we reconciled our marriage I became pregnant with our
middle daughter. I was already up to 255lbs at that point. Once again I put on
weight while pregnant and was up to 280 when I gave birth. My cycle of eating
& burying continued. I gained weight still. Got up to 300+lbs. Not sure how
much because I stopped weighing myself. January of 2009 I said enough &
started a diet & stuck with it! I got down to 240lbs. I thought I had
finally "got it" & was going to succeed! Then in Sept I was in a car wreck
that totaled my car. 1 month later I found out I was pregnant & ended up
losing that baby which also required surgery. Depression hit me hard & fast.
I was a stone sinking...quick. I was placed on medication to help, & it did.
But I put on 30lbs. All pretense of a diet or healthy living was out the window.
And so the cycle continued.... just one more thing I failed at. I gave up at
that point. I was apparently meant to be fat. God would have made me differently
if He meant for me to be skinny. 6 months after losing the baby I found out that
(by total surprise) I was pregnant again!! We were scared but happy. Money was
tight. But we would deal with it. When I gave birth this time I was
294lbs...& only had $3 in the bank. We struggled, bad. I can't believe we
didn't totally collapse. Then, it was like God turned up the rescue efforts by
1000! Lol! My husband (who always had an aversion to church) felt like we needed
to start going. But we both felt like my family church wasn't where God was
leading us. We started going to our current church & WHAM!!! Can I say God
opened the flood gates!!! My husband got saved & filled with the Spirit. I
rededicated my life to God. This is where my healing began. God began to work
with my on the issues in my life. He started small, I quit smoking ( I had
smoked consistently since I was 18). Then he worked on several other things...
fixing me I say, lol! My issues from childhood were brought to the surface &
were healed. My wounds no longer bleed. The scars are still there but I am proud
of them. They show where I've been and what I have survived. They show the
amazing healing power of my God.
All during this time I had been yo-yo dieting & gotten down to 270 at one
point. I even started running and had gotten up to running 2 miles before joint
and feet issues forced me to stop. I honestly felt like weight was the one thing
I could not conquer. I could do all these other things, but just could not do
this successfully. I was so so so tired of failing & being disappointed. My
life seemed to be a vicious cycle of defeat in this one area. I was hopeless. I
gave up. I just said GOD I CAN NOT DO IT! And that was just what He was waiting
for me to say. He started talking to me in that still small voice. "You are more
than this Cara" "Your body is my temple" "You can be successful" "Give this to
me & let me do a good work in you" "It is time"...and boy did I resist!! Big
time... even rebelled a little. Went into a cookie, ice cream everything fried
eating frenzy... trying to prove I can be fat AND happy... all the while not
liking who I was seeing in the mirror. I was up to 290 lbs... in the back of my
mind I felt like it wasn't THAT bad because I hadn't reached my highest again.
Then things started to get real... God was a constant, yet loving echo in my
head. Give this to me, Give this to me, Give this to me... I just could not fail
one more time though. I didn't have it in me to go through the self bashing I
knew would inevitably happen. I thought what's the point... I'm just going to go
back to the way I was. Why even try?!?!? I even downloaded the audio book Made
to Crave onto my phone. Had it there for 2 weeks before I listened to it. I
started listening to it & got even more afraid... What if I did do this with
Gods help & failed?? What does that say about me? About My faith? About my
God?!?!? If I can't do THIS with His help then what's the point of
anything?!?!? Then the Sunday after I started listening to the book my pastor
said "If there is something God has been dealing with you about, something you
need to let go of and give to Him, but you have been resisting. He says NOW IS
THE TIME!! Come down here and get prayer and let God heal this for you." Can I
just say HELLO GOD, I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR!!! LOL!!! Needless to say I went
and poured my heart out to God on the alter & laid all this burden down at
His feet. I told Him "Ok God, I'm gonna do this with your help and through your
power. You help me succeed & I will make sure YOU get the glory every step
of the way!" And let me tell you He has kept His end of the deal!! I have
learned so much in this process!! This has been more of a spiritual journey with
physical benefits!!! I learned that all those times I tried and failed I was
looking for the approval & love of others & not seeking love from the
true source, God. I was trying to do it all in my own power & not His. I
learned I do not have to be a victim of my poor choices! I do not have to be
stuck in a vicious cycle of defeat! Who I am is not determined by my
circumstances in life. I am no longer Cara the girl who was fatherless, who was
abused, who was abandoned, who was used, who had failed, who had been broken,
who suffered depression, who thought killing herself would be easier than
living, who searched for love, who had no hope, who was a teen mom, who was a
statistic, who was fat...the girl who cried. I do not have to live by those
titles any more!! I am Cara the daughter of the most high God, Cara the victor
in all circumstances, Cara who was rescued, Cara who was made whole, Cara who
is loved with an everlasting love, Cara who is worth dying for, Cara who is
forgiven, Cara who has an everlasting hope, Cara who's tears were counted... I
now see my self for who I am and not for what I was. I am a child of God & I
will treat the body He gave me as such! Now, let me add. It has been me doing
the work, me lifting the weights & me eating the correct food. But it has
been God giving me the "want to" & the will power to succeed!
I know this has been long, and I am so sorry. Once I started typing I
couldn't stop. I wanted you to be able to get a full grasp on who I am and where
I have come from. And I also wanted you to be able to see the amazing restoring
power of my God. He can do the same for you. I urge you to seek Him & a
relationship with Him. If I can help you on that path please let me know!
God Bless!!!
Cara
